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It is snowing and it is beautiful and I wish I was home snuggled in bed with my hubby who is not feeling well today.

We watched a few movies this weekend.

Napoleon Dynamite... cute movie. One of those "nothing really happens" flicks but it was entertaining and provided enough one-liners to keep Andy and I quoting the movie at every opportunity. Overall, an acceptable light-hearted and hilarious tale, the kind of which I'd like to write some day even though, I'm not funny at all.

The Village... I expected to be disappointed in this one because I've heard many people express their dismay at discovering whatever "secret" lay in the spooky plot. I wasn't disappointed at all. I suppose if you were expecting a scream-your-ass-off-blood-and-guts sort of horror movie that does little to make you think but does a lot to startle you, you might feel like you didn't get your money's worth. However, I thought it was exceptionally brilliant. Very thought provoking concept and quite a lovely film in general. Andy and I were induced into a nice conversation after watching the movie. Any film that can make me think about "what just happened and why" relieves 5 stars in my book. I liked it very, very much. Again, I'd like to write a story like this one.


and finally....

Garden State.... Yep, finally saw this one. It is exactly the kind of movie I wish the world had more of. It was able to maintain that fine balance of being an artsy almost Independent sort of film and still have a rich plot with character development and growth. Seems like that is hard to do in these days... when a movie like "Closer" can get nominated for awards. ("Closer" the epitome of raunchy nothingness.) Garden State was funny, quirky, interesting, thought provoking and entertaining. Definitely, my kind of movie. The dialogue was a bit unrealistic but I think dialogue in most movies is a bit off. Because we want the characters to be different than us. We want our movie heroes to have these quick-witted and sometimes random conversations. Wouldn't these characters be dull if they discussed things like the weather and their problems at work? The Garden State banter was entertaining and provided good character development. It moved the plot along nicely, despite the fact that most people just don't talk like that. Anyway, great film. I plan to own it and watch it again and again. And from me, that's a great compliment because I very rarely like to watch the same movie twice.


And now back to gazing at the snow outside my work window.

More on Writing..
Topic: Writing
This entry is going to sound like a whole lot of bragging but what the hell, it is my journal after all.

I wouldn't want anyone to think that I decided not to submit anything for publication for a while because no one wanted my stories. I would never give up because of rejection. In fact, rejection usually helped fuel my determination. In reality, I had a lot of luck publishing everything right up to the latest short story, which actually placed 2nd in a writing competition.

My work has been published in many print publications, some nicer and more well-read than others. I also had a lot of stories published in e-zines. One of my stories, "The Lullaby Adventures," was published in one of the more esteemed print journals and was actually studied by a creative writing class in Alameda, California. The professor even sent me a copy of his lesson plan where my story was required reading and an assignment was given to the students based on the story. That was extremely flattering! I also placed at Zoetrope last year with the third highest rated flash fiction story. I've even managed to make a little dough from publishing stories, which is not easy, since most publications don't pay these days and the one's that do are extremely tough to conquer.

My point is, when I gave it 110%, I kicked ass. When I was willing to re-write and contort my stories or myself into anything anyone ever asked for, I did well. When I had the energy and drive to wait for months in front of my inbox, chewing on my nails and sweating bullets, for word about a rejection or an acceptance.... I did well. When that was the game that kept me motivated... I did well.

I just don't want to do that anymore. Not for a while, anyway.

I have one story out right now. It is entered in The Half Priced Books children's story contest. I won't find out about it until March. Chances are slim, but still one can't help but hope and dream it will make the cut.

Perhaps, I'm just very caught up in being a newlywed and mother at the moment. B's life becomes more and more complex as she gets older and I spend more and more time trying to keep up. And being a wife to A is remarkably rewarding and wonderful.

Maybe, the want-to storm into the world of publishing fiction will come back to me when my real life isn't quite as demanding. But I don't want it to be less demanding. I'm enjoying every minute of it.

I used to think that I could only write when I felt sad or depressed. I've heard many people claim that their best inspiration is found in their darkest moments. I think part of this is true. Rilke thought that only in his depression did he find that which made him a true artist. A lot of my best stuff was written out of sadness. Could it be that I can't write when I'm happy?

I don't think that's it. I think that being alone, not having a lot of activity and interaction provides for more time to write but not necessarily more inspiration. I don't know. I think about this a lot.

More from
Topic: Writing
The thing that disturbs me the most about the Rilke quote I posted in my last entry, is not so much the asking whether I would die if I couldn't write as much as it is the idea that I must totally "build your life in accordance with this necessity, your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse." There is, I think, a lot of discussion among authors about this theory. Rilke subscribed to the idea that to nurture his creativity and be a "true" artist that he must live in seclusion and devote his entire existence to his poetry. He spoke often of solitude. He was a martyr for his art.

I, and many others... including many famous writers, havn't done this to such an extreme. But a lot of the best writers have. I do feel that in order for me to dedicate myself to a novel, I'd have to let go of some other things in my life. I'm not willing to let my family suffer, so I can have more time in front of a computer. Maybe, the novel will not happen until B and all future children are grown and out of the home. I'm okay with that. If I continue writing short stories, by the time I finally get to that novel, I should be a fairly good writer.

"And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to interest magazines in these works; for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it."

Now, this is solid advice.

I used to LOVE writing when I wrote for myself. But the minute I submitted a story for publication, everything changed. I began writing for approval from others, maybe even for love and adoration from others. I didn't believe anything I wrote that didn't get published somewhere, or didn't get praise from someone, was worth anything. The more I fell into this trap, the less fun writing became. Rilke's words here, ring very true. I've decided to listen.

No, I'm not giving up writing. I do not have it in me to give it up. I love it too much. But I no longer need to use it to define myself, to make friends, to impress people, or to find love and attention. I need it because it's what I enjoy doing most of all. So, I'm not stopping writing... I am going to discontinue the publishing game for now though. No more seeking acceptance from critics or publishers. It's time I learn to write for me again and find the fun in it.

I'm not saying I will never try to publish again. But for now, I'm just writing and reading and enjoying my narrative craft.

I am glad that I learned so much about writing in the publishing world. I believe I am somewhat skilled and owe most of it to the people I've received advice and attention from. I do not regret my quest for approval. A lot of energy, time and patience must be invested in this process. I'm thankful for all the lessons I learned along the way, and would encourage any young writer to take the same path that I did but there has to be a point when you decide why you want to write... and from there descisions have to be made.

Now, I've made mine.

Side note:

I don't think I'm a big fan of Rilke's "Letter to a Young Poet." It's a bit hard to get through. But, I did pick up a few things from the book that are valuable.

Rilke's poetry, on the other hand, is quite beautiful and I enjoy it very much. I encourage you to read some of his work

here./

I might be in trouble
Topic: Writing
From "Letters to a Young Poet" by Rainer Maria Rilke given to me by my sister-in-law for Christmas:

"You ask whether your verses are any good. You ask me. You have asked others before this. You send them to magazines. You compare them with other poems, and you are upset when certain editors reject your work. Now (since you have said you want my advice) I beg you to stop doing that sort of thing. You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now.

No one can advise or help you - no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. this most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night; MUST I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple, "I MUST," then build your life in accordance with this necessity; your whole life, even into its humblest and most indifferent hour, must become a sign and witness to this impulse."

I've been thinking about this for quite some time before I ever read this book but Rilke puts it so bluntly here, he says it better than I could.

If I ask myself the question of whether I would die if forbidden to write.... I have to say no. I won't die. I don't feel like I MUST write anymore. The thought of giving it up pains me though. Isn't writing part of who I am? Part of me surely would die if I gave it up but the biggest part of me is so content being a good mother and wife. Maintaining a home and family is what I am most passionate about right now. So, I just don't know.

More later.

Catching up
Topic: A bit of everything
I finally decide to get involved with Zoetrope again and then the site goes down. Just my luck.

I'm in the need for a good Fantasy novel series. I believe I'm going to pick up a Terry Brooks novel at the library today. That is, if my friend will return "Plain Heathen Mischief" so I can check something out. That book is way past due.

Speaking of Martin Clark... did you see where he commented on one of my entries about his novel?? At least SOMEONE wrote saying he was Martin Clark.

He actually thanked me for my kind words about his novel. Pretty cool. I was flattered that he posted because I really admire him as a writer.

Remember when I wrote about the spider cupcakes I made for B's Halloween party at school? When I got back to the office that day after the party, I had 3 cupcakes left. There was this old guy here talking to my boss. I gave him one and he raved about that thing like it was the most amazing pastry he had ever laid eyes on.

The next week, he tells me he brought the cupcake to the Lubbock Country Club that night and showed it to everyone. I said something like, "How cute.. my cupcake is a country club spider now." It seemed a bit strange how taken he was with my baked goods.

A full month later, he tells me he still has that cupcake in a Ziplock bag at home. He has raved to everyone about how creative I am and what a wonderful cup cake it is. Appearantly, we are a hot topic of conversation for him... me and my cupcake. Holy cow that is creepy beyond belief. I warned him not to eat it. He laughed and said, "Oh, you'll be in for a surprise one day."

Ummm.... what? Yikes!

Creepy old man.

I spent the weekend watching Star Wars (thus my craving for a fantasy novel). I have an interesting theory about how Star Wars changed my life forever when I was a kid. Maybe I can get to that after the boss type people leave today.

Insolent
Topic: Zines
I have been hanging out at Zoetrope today. I was disappointed to find that Insolent Rudder is closing up shop.

I used to be an Associate Editor for IR but the Editor handed the site over to a couple of ladies and they never really did much with it... or so it appeared to me and now they are calling it quits.

I would have proudly taken it over.... web design and all. It would have a been a great project to inspire me and fill my need for a literary outlet. But they didn't ask me or anyone else to continue the respected zine and now it's gone. There were a few other Associate Editors who deserved the opportunity also.

The whole ordeal sort of pisses me off but I suppose it's really none of my business... I have enough things to be concerned with at the moment.

More about those things later.

We have a new puppy!! Well, he's 7 months old and fully-grown so I don't know if he can really be called a "pup". He's a Boxer and Catahoula Leopard Dog mix and is enormous! We named him "Frodo" although I'm still leaning toward "Bilbo" and am thinking about convincing the family that "Bilbo" is more fitting. That never works for me, though. I wanted to name the turtle "Flash" so badly but A and B call him "Timmy" so I've conceded to also using "Timmy".

So we now have 2 cats named Gary and Sandy, a turtle named Timmy and Frodo the enormous puppy. It's a regular zoo. I hope we can continue to be responsible pet owners even with this much responsibility.

I stayed up late last night making Spider cupcakes. They are adorable with licorice strings for legs and marshmallows for eyes. They are for a party at B's school this afternoon.

Tonight, I'm making a dessert called "Ghosts in the Graveyard" for B's Girl Scout Halloween party. I've spent a lot of time in the kitchen lately.

I have a new story idea! Maybe this one will actually come into fruition.

I know there was something else I wanted to write about today but I can't remember it now. I hate it when that happens.

Humor and Lightness
I used to write stories that have what I call "an edge". This "edge" usually meant something that showed the ugly sides of life... drugs, sex etc.

I don't want to write about these things anymore. I lost interest in "the edge" a long time ago. I want to write about the subtle undercurrents of a "normal" life. An average life has so many simple truths to be found. There's something a lot more appealing to me about a mother struggling to overcome her fear of confrontation by being assertive with her landlord than a story about an addict walking home from jail one night while considering her relationship with an abusive tattoo artist boyfriend.

I guess it's because I've grown up. My life is so different from what it used to be. I'm a lot more concerned with how my home improvement projects are going than I am with what band I'll go see over the weekend. And there is nothing dull about home improvement, shopping or driving kids to Girl Scouts. It all depends on the spin you are able to give the story as you write it. The characters you create and their desires and personalities can make a story about basket weaving interesting. These are things I want to write about. Every day people discovering things about their world and themselves by doing every day things. Humor and lightness.

So, I changed up the stories on my website a bit. I only posted the one's I think reflect the person I am today and the stories I want to write. With the exception of leaving "The Rain Game"... which is about a one-night stand. I left this story because it has continued to be one of the more popular stories I've ever written and I continue to receive positive feedback about it. For the simple fact that I enjoy hearing comments about The Rain Game, I decided to leave it posted.

I think I have decided to somewhat abandon my current website. I want to start a new one, with my new last name and some new stories. It will be a while before I do this. Funds are a bit short and I need money to register a new URL. But it will be a new start for the now grown-up and more practical writer that I am today.

Civic Duty
I voted today! Go Bush go!

I don't know jack about politics really. I know my stance on a lot of the issues though. So, I looked in the 2004 Free Market Foundation Voters Guide and found a very informative and easy to use guide to the candidates stances on a lot of the important issues. It's supposed to be unbiased and the information is supposed to come straight from the candidates. This organization sends outs a poll and the candidates are supposed to answer "Oppose" or "Support". You can check it out at http://www.freemarket.org.

I looked at each candidate in my district and highlighted those I agreed with on the issues most important to me. Turns out they were all Republican. Wonder if that means I'm a Republican? I know I'm a conservative.

So, there... that's probably going to be my only political based entry you'll ever find in this journal.

I still have nothing to read. I need a new book. Chances are, I won't do a lot of reading this weekend anyway. We are in the throes of home improvement and I'll be working power tools... yeah baby!!